From Lost to Found
Or the journey of discovering that Graphic Design is my passion!
I have struggled for years and years, with finding my purpose. My why. My mission in life. The reason why I was put on this Earth to do.
In retrospect, I think I was trying to either be only one thing: a photographer, an underwater videographer, a corporate trainer, a coach, … (and preferably a role that my family, friends, or simply society would approve of). Or …. I was trying to fit way too many of my passions and skills - all of the above + a few more! - into ONE brand, ONE business… Good luck with that!…
Hence I was lost. Confused. I used to dread the question ”And you, Val, what is it that you do in life?”… Because I had no idea what to say or write. And whatever I managed to blurb out, always felt off. Every. Single. Time. It made me feel so freaking insecure. And quite embarrassed to say the least.
It didn’t help that, every so often, my own family called me out on this blurriness of mine. I would hear them tell me “Valerie, you’re over 50 years old and you still haven’t figured it out! You’re still nowhere in life: you still don’t have a “real” job, your finances are pathetic. What the hell is wrong with you?”…
The absence of not knowing who I was deep down - and the struggle, shame, guilt, and uncertainty that resulted from that lack of knowing - have been present all this time. No matter what role or job I took on. No matter what my various business cards were saying.
I never failed at any of the jobs or roles I took on. I was quite successful at every single one of them. Including charity work. I would start a job, be really good at it, but then I failed to find true joy and true passion over time. So I kept switching to something else, something new. Again and again.
Over time, I also discovered that being good at something does not mean that that is what you’re meant to do.
I have felt like such a failure for years and years. A Jill-of-many-trades, and only a Master at two things: procrastinating and self-sabotaging!
It’s an understatement to say that I felt truly lost and wanted so badly to be found.
Over the years, I bought more online courses (thinking they had all the answers!) and spent more money than I could possibly count. It gets worse: 90% of the courses or self-help books I bought, I didn’t finish. Or never even started! How embarrassing is that!
For a while, I thought my purpose was to become an underwater videographer… but it turned out, I was meant to work with imagery and creativity in an entirely different way…
Photo credit: Alex Lindbloom
From dengue fever to garden fever
On and off, I would find myself having suicidal thoughts. Not that I ever actually planned on how to end my life. But it just showed me how deeply in despair I was…
As I write this, I am realizing how weird that must sound to have suicidal thoughts, as I am in the most loving-caring relationship I could possibly be. Kate is the most compassionate-supportive-bighearted partner ever. I must say this: this was a struggle that had nothing to do with her, or with us. This was something that was only about me, myself, and my own little (and big) inner demons, shadows, and unresolved wounds.
I’ve been in Bali since 2013 (Kate joined me in 2015) and it’s here that the feeling of being lost reached a painful peak (or depth?)… Either way, it’s such a paradox: Bali is the so-called ‘Island of the Gods’… yet it’s also here, that I felt I had lost my God or whatever Universal Guidance I thought I could rely on…
And then came the chaos of 2020 … Nothing any of us had seen coming. Weirdly as it may seem, it’s also while life as we knew it was on its head - that, over the course of several months, things unexpectedly started shifting and moving for me.
It started with me getting suddenly sick from dengue fever. For the second time in my life. My energy got flattened. I didn’t get out of bed for days in a row. Lost several kilos (yaaaaay, what a bonus!).
Looking back, the recovery from that dengue fever took weeks! Actually, months before I could say I was back at my ‘default’ energy levels.
Meanwhile, the world was still on hold. And so was my life. Here in Bali, there was never a real lockdown. But man, I felt so locked down in my own self. Deep deep down. And to make it worse, I had lost the key of whatever door could lead me outta there!
What I had left of motivation to bring something significant to the world, just suddenly seemed to have vanished. I had no dream to hold on to, and no set goals. And no energy left in me to pursue any goal anyway…
Then, I “accidentally” stumbled upon an inspiring video of a French couple who had bought a huge piece of land (at a bargain price) and had created a 90% sustainable life for themselves. Harvesting rainwater. Making their own compost. Lots of repurposing-reusing-recycling-reducing. And of course, the core element here: growing their own veggies.
And that lead me to start our own (elevated) veggie garden. From scratch. Something I had never done in my life before.
In a matter of days, I collected, bought, and planted seeds, built a few shelves to serve as a nursery for my soon-to-sprout green ‘babies’ (I love working with wood, another passion of mine!). I watched a ton of DIY videos on YouTube. I cannot begin to tell how grateful I feel about all the amazing ‘teachers’ out there, who take the time to share their knowledge and passion with the rest of us! I learned so much, so quickly.
The self-built shelves that welcomed my beloved seedlings…
Divorcing my Mac.
The biggest change wasn’t only happening in the garden. It was happening in my very heart, in my Soul. I began to feel JOY again. I started to re-feel excited about something again. Hope was back. Aaaaand, I was outdoors for hours on end, barefoot on the grass, and feeling increasingly great about it! The whole experience of witnessing those tiny sprouts grow was so new and truly exhilarating.
Little side-story: anyone who knows me a bit, knows how impatient I am. So here’s what I did when the seeds weren’t sprouting fast enough to my standards: I dug up the soil and checked why it was taking so long! …. I know, crazy, right? Little did I know that gardening would mirror back so many of my not-so-supportive patterns and behaviors!
For weeks on end, I took refuge in the one thing I felt drawn to do. The garden became my haven. It was also the one activity - together with being with Kate and petting our kitty cats - that brought me such a deep level of joy. Simple, real, accessible, ‘not-generated-by-stuff-you-buy’ kind of joy.
For days and days, my beloved and cherished Mac was turned off. It felt like a necessary tech-divorce. There was no work to be done there anyway. I was jobless, which meant that no one was expecting anything of me. There was no joy to be found there anyway.
I realized that my sanity was dependent on me finding joy offline again. In real life. Away from a mouse, keyboard, and screen.
I only went online to watch those amazingly educational DIY YouTube videos, with the intention to up my newly acquired gardening skills.
Back in the garden, I was. Day in, day out. Hours on end. Building more shelves - beyond what we needed. Planting more seeds. Nurturing my seedlings with love and care. Coming up with creative solutions to assist the growth of my indefinite tomato plants which kept shooting upwards like the sky was the limit. I too was having great fun reusing, recycling and repurposing. I made planting containers from plastic yogurt pots, coconut oil bottles, or cat food cans.
Remembering what passion feels like.
Kate became the daily witness of this newly found JOY in me. There were days where she had a hard time convincing me to take a break, to eat something, or drink water. I was in it, full-on, hardcore.
This 7-hour-per-day-outdoor episode came as a reminder that when I feel deeply passionate about something, I am truly unstoppable. I give it my all. There’s no middle way. I go all in. It felt like I had forgotten that about myself…
My gratitude towards discovering gardening deepened by the day… I knew I was onto something. I remember telling Kate that maybe this is what I was meant to do: become a farmer. Not the type of farmer that grows crops on huge fields and drives a tractor. But the homesteading type. And so I started watching YouTube videos on just that. I felt drawn in.
A friend of ours recommended us to watch a documentary called “Biggest Little Farm”. Wow, wow, wow, I was on fire! While I knew that I didn’t want to take things to that kind of level (200 acres of land, hundreds of animals, a whole Team working for you). But my newly found passion for sustainable, organic farming got reaffirmed!
Then came the time where we started to harvest the fruits - well, more like veggies - of our own labor: cherry tomatoes galore, spinach, eggplant, parsley, cilantro, thyme, long beans (a locally grown type of bean), and even watermelon!
I had the best of times!
The delightful discovery of harvesting veggies & herbs that you’ve actually grown yourself.
“If it ain’t fun, I ain’t doing it.”
The whole gardening experience allowed me to have space where I could finally reconnect with the truth of who I am and what I’m good at.
I had forgotten how much I need to CREATE. How much I need to be able to see and have tangible results from my time and effort. I am a do-er. Big time. I am the happiest when I create when I do when I am generating something visible. When there’s a before-and-after of my efforts.
I realized how I had simply forgotten to have FUN while you do what you do. And how freaking key it is, to DO WHAT YOU LOVE and LOVE WHAT YOU DO. And I would add: and have lots of FUN while you do it!
“Find a place inside where there’s joy, and the joy will burn out the pain. – Joseph Campbell”
It may sound like such a cliché, but believe me, this was the greatest aha light-bulb moment I have had in a long long time. I decided then and there, that I would only work on things that were fun! No fun? I’m out!
I realized that by default, I am an always-see-the-glass-half-full kinda person. Almost obsessively positive. Generally joyful and hopeful upon waking up. And that I had simply lost my joy along the way… I need that fun-factor in my life.
Abraham to the rescue!
Meanwhile, Kate was also dealing with her own demons in her own way. It seemed like the intense turmoil in our global outer world was indirectly triggering turbulence within many (if not all) of us. And my sweetheart wasn’t spared.
With Bali closing its borders and most tourists are gone, there was no work for her either. And Kate isn’t her happiest when she’s not allowed to do her work as a Sound Healer. She too was experiencing a loss of joy, fun, and connection to Source.
While gardening had turned out to be a very effective way to find my joy again, what helped us both in the darkest hours of 2020, was Esther Hicks.
We would often have her videos on YouTube play in the background. Just the audio part. Sometimes hours on end. Abraham’s message and the delicious way in which Esther Hicks delivers it is such a powerful and FREE anti-depressant!
Every single time, our moods would get uplifted, our hearts would fill up with gratitude and hope. Our joy was felt. Present. Real! We listened to her “Morning Rampage” so often, I believe that by now, I almost know it by heart…
Anyhow, gratitude and joy being both high vibration feelings, we knew that that is where we needed to put ourselves in the “vortex” as she calls it, as often and as much as possible. With Abraham, we were reminded that “Joy is the key”. Since then, Kate painted that phrase on the gate of our home here in Bali. Inviting whoever enters that door, that here, joy is the essential key. The key that opens all other doors.
The joy with which you do things, and the joy you feel inside of you when you’re doing them, that’s the KEY!
The gift of muddy paw prints
That being said, our saving grace undoubtedly also came in the form of … 3 dogs. Long story short: except for my bed-ridden experience with dengue, I kept going out to walk an hour every day.
In November 2019, I came across two puppies who had been dumped in a nearby cemetery ( I know, of all places…) They were both 4-5 months old, both female, but not siblings, and had somehow been surviving together on the streets.
My heart filled up with compassion, and so I started making a habit out of stopping where they were and bringing them food almost daily. Not before long, they started following me into my walks. A little bit, in the beginning, then further and further into the rice fields.
This daily encounter with them was so much fun. Ha, yes, FUN! Their wagging tails and muddy paw prints on my walking shorts (from running in the muddy rice fields) were making my heart sing. I was falling in love…
I gave them names: Manis (pronounced Maa-niece) and Blanco.
One day, in April - right when the shit hit the fan (aka Covid) - both girls decided to just follow me all the way home. And they simply never left…
Manis and Blanco started following me on my daily walks, into the neighbourhood rice fields…
Give me my daily mocha!
Three months later, on June 1st (somehow, I always remember that date), during one of many walks with our now two-dogs-who-adopted-us, I found a tiny coffee-colored puppy in the same cemetery.
On a side note: I could write a lot about how I feel about Balinese people dumping tiny pups and newborn kittens (without their mother!) left and right, but that’s not the point here.
Back to the brown puppy: I picked it up, brought it home intending to find a shelter for this beautiful four-legged little girl.
Finding Mocha…
When I got home and Kate saw her, something unexpected happened: it was puppy-love at first sight for Kate. Cancel the calls. No more shelter needed. We named her Mocha (aka Mochaccino, aka my-little-coffee-bean) and she became our 3rd furry baby.
I grew up with a Cocker Spaniel. So living with a dog wasn’t unfamiliar. I had yet to experience what life was with … three young dogs. And it’s a whole other ball game, let me tell ya.
What I had become completely oblivious about though, was the quality and the number of gifts it came with owning dogs.
Watching Mocha grow (way too fast) into a fun and adorable companion!
3 + 3 = 6
Amid this crazy ‘pandemic’, this lively, joyful trio brought along much-needed fun (!) and joy, and a lightness of being, and playtime and come-back-into-the-here-and-now moments to us!
They are a true blessing and there’s not a day that goes by without us being reminded of just how precious little moments in life truly are! Oh, and did I mention the cuddle times? So good! Plus, they all get along well with our three cats!
Yes, you ARE reading this right: we now have 6 four-legged loved ones in da house! Joy and love abound here!
Manis and Blanco started following me on my daily walks into the neighborhood rice fields…
Mona (our eldest in the tribe), Jackson (found as a tiny kitten, alone and abandoned on the main road here in Ubud, on Thanksgiving night) and (Mini) Cooper (found recently during one of my walks).
In case you wondered, everyone gets along in our home…
Love comes in all colors, shapes, and sizes… Cooper loves cuddling up with Mocha.
Calling off the divorce.
The Summer of 2020 also unexpectedly brought another gift: within a few weeks from each other, two friends asked me to create a logo for their new business. And so I did.
And I call this a gift, not only because the money was welcome in the midst of having no work at all, but more importantly, I rekindled with my Mac. Turns out, it was never gonna be a divorce after all! Just kidding!
The real gift though, was that I reconnected with my passion for Graphic Design, something I discovered almost ”by accident” in my first year in Bali.
Until those logo-orders came in, it seemed like I had completely and utterly forgotten how much I LOVE designing, so much so that I could do it all day, every day. Graphic Design is such a fun and joy-generating activity for me; it awakens and stirs up my creativity.
This sweet reconnection with my creative expression was the first real noticeable shift - when it came to my work/career - in the whole of 2020.
I had such fun creating these logos for my friends Patricia Van De Vyver and for Carine Dieudonné.
When The Universe conspires…
The second logo I made last year got noticed by my web designer-friend, Daan. He shared with me that he was super impressed with what I had done for my Carine and then proceeded to refer one of his web-clients to me. A Yoga teacher from NYC who needed a logo and branding visuals.
Whaaaaaat? You know how they say that when the time is right, all doors open up at once?! Well, it was happening, right then and there, the doors were opening before my very eyes.
“And, when you want something, all The Universe conspires in helping you to achieve it. - Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist”
This referral from Daan also came with him suggesting that I get serious about this “logo making business”. He highly encouraged me to take this fully on board and go all-in. Oh, I loved the idea instantly. That was the first time ever, that I toyed with the idea of actually creating a business around Graphic Design and Branding. I mean, for real.
I also noticed that whenever I speak about Graphic Design, I light up inside out. I smile, I feel joyful, happy, blissful. In the vortex! No effort needed. Graphic Design is, guess what: FUN! It never feels like work!
I quickly modified my initial Underwater Video & Photography logo created in 2014, into this new version: “Vibrant Visuals That Help You Shine”.
Figuring out the next steps.
Fast forward to the end of December 2020… A few days before Christmas, Kate and I had an important talk. We were trying to figure out how to get her Sound Healing business back on track, even though Bali was/is still closed to tourism (and therefore, there’s very little chance to make good money here now).
We had to figure out, and fast (our savings are running out), how to start making (really good) money online. Looking back on that moment, I believe The Universe was listening in on our conversation because suddenly - out of the blue - I managed to remember the name of a really lovely lady we had met two years prior, here in Bali. Her name is Willo.
Willo had attended a group Sound Healing session with Kate, loved it, felt inspired to talk more with Kate after the session; those two had an instant connection. This lead to a dinner for the three of us. That’s when we discovered the work she does. Willo happens to be a top-notch, super successful Business Coach.
Kate and I loved her sparkly liveliness, her contagious joy, and the passion she shows for her work and her clients. I remember feeling how wonderful it must be to get coached by her! But at the time, we both had full-time jobs and so we didn’t even consider working with her.
Remember Willo?
Back to my talk with Kate on our patio: there we sat, tense and conflicted, in the heat of a difficult conversation. Trying to figure out the next steps towards having a successful and prosperous online business.
The harsh reality had really kicked in by now: our savings were melting away, the worldwide economy was still in very slow mode (and not about to kick back into gear anytime soon). We both felt growing anxiety about the future…
And then it happened: I suddenly hear myself tell my sweetheart: “So why don’t we bring in a coach like Willo?” I still remember how Kate pondered the question. There was a long silence.
This was intense. It was time to let the conversation rest a bit. I went for a walk with the dogs, knowing Kate needed to let this rather abrupt ‘let’s-hire-Willo” idea sink in.
We are blessed with a beautiful rice field walk, just 5 min away from home. The now tranquil volcano Agung watches over us…
The message said: “Invitation to work with me.”
The next day - on the very day of the famous December 21st Winter Solstice Day - is when the Law-of-Attraction-or-whatever-you-want-to-call-it magic happened. I kid you not; that day, I received a message from Willo via Facebook Messenger. It was called “Invitation to work with me”.
It was a private message, after not being in touch for over a year. It was a message saying she was ready to onboard new clients for 2021. A message inviting us to hop on a free call with her to “just talk” and see if we are a good fit to work together.
“When the student is ready, the teacher shows up!”
So we had that call. Two calls actually. Kate had hers with Willo, and I had mine. I had to talk to Willo and hear her feedback about my Graphic Design business idea.
And boy oh boy!…. There’s something to be said about this quote the teacher showing up when the student is ready. Turns out, Kate and I were both ready. Ready-er as we had felt in months!
Needless to say, both Kate and I signed up for a 3-month intense high-end coaching program with Willo.
And that’s how we started off in 2021!
“Show up in the truth and fullness of who you are.”
Jeez, talk about being in the Vortex, woooaaaaaaw! From day one, we felt on fire. Determined. Focused. On purpose. Filled up with a new dream. We started realizing (and being confirmed by Willo) that our dream of having a prosperous (at least partially) online business was abso-freaking-lutely possible, doable and only a small gap away from where we currently were at.
It’s only been a month into the program as I am writing this, but I can tell you already that Willo’s guidance is incredibly powerful. She’s so amazingly talented at what she does. She combines humor with honest, precise, spot-on advice and compassion-filled feedback. She calls you out on your BS, with humor and kindness. There’s no hiding here. You are invited - as she phrases it so well - “to show up in the truth and fullness of who you are.” I love that!
I have never felt so wisely guided, hand-held, every step of the way, from where I am, to where I want to be. With Willo’s caring and super professional presence, expertise, tools, help, insights, and vision, I feel safely and exceedingly well guided towards my dreams!
The whole program is intense but fun-filled. The well-built step-by-step approach she offers is liberating and empowering. And just like Esther, Willo reminds us that “joys is the key” and the guide. Follow your inner compass. Follow the Joy!
It’s all about discovering your brilliance and milking it! And man, I am sooooo ready for that!
Brand new brand!
Today, I am proud and deeply delighted to report that I have been in the process of giving birth to my very own brand called MataBoolan Vibrant Visuals.
I feel beyond relieved, blissful, joyful, excited, and hopeful to fiiiiiinally be able to say, out loud and with great confidence: “What I do for a living?”
I’m Val. I am a Graphic Designer and Brand Stylist. I work with passionate, heart-centered, and purpose-driven entrepreneurs and small business owners who are on a mission to make the world a better place.
My passion is to capture the essence of what you do and deliver it in a package of vibrant branding visuals that completely level up your presence on social media.
With solid, styled-for-you brand visuals, you’ll feel empowered to show up & boldly share your message – confident that you’re magnetizing and resonating with the clients who need your special gifts and talents.
My real job is to help you Elevate Your Brand so you can expand your reach and elevate so many others. It’s time for you to rise and shine!
Does this resonate with you? Then book a 30min complimentary Design Consult Call with me, we’ll discuss together where you’re currently at with your branding, and where you would like to take your brand next.
You can book the call his this link: https://mataboolan.as.me/
PS: If you would like to get a feel of my style and range of work, here's my portfolio featuring some of my best work: https://bit.ly/MataBoolan-Portfolio.
